I made a choice today that fills me with shame like i have never known. One of my babies, my pint sized terror, Tink the Ninja is dying. I held her for a couple of hours as there is nothing we can do to change the outcome and she isn't suffering. I could not, however, hold her until the end. I could not bring my self to do it. Not this one. I hate myself. I'm weak, flawed, selfish, pathetic. I could not bring myself to be there for my special baby when it mattered most. I am too wrapped up in my own misery, and now self loathing. The universe brought this special little light into my life 3 years ago. She has always been a constant source of joy and laughter. I cannot take her loss. I do not have the ability to handle the pain i am feeling right now. And i cant be there when she leaves my life. And for that i will always be ashamed.
P.S.
I was able to man up. I held that little angel as she left my life..as if i didn't have enough reasons to hate god already.
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